Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hi.

I considered just publishing that as a starting place. It’s been a while. Maybe you noticed. Maybe you could care less. Maybe you’ve chastised me like my mother did yesterday. Maybe you’re patient and full of grace. Maybe you gave up on ever hearing from me again, removing me from your Google reader. Maybe you’re just shaking your head like my publicist, PapaRobC.

Truth? Whatever you’re doing or not doing is okay by me. Go, be, do, frown, read, wait, don’t, shake, smile. Whatever. Just be free. That’s what I’m trying to do over here in cyber-silence.

My last “real” post was a survey if you will. A question. A quandary, a dilemma. A seekers plea. I was polling the audience, using a lifeline. I asked you what you do for nurture.

Truth? I’m still processing your answers. And it was rude of me to not thank each of you for taking such time, consideration and kindness in your responses. But I can do that now. Thank you. Yes, you too.

My therapist suggested I asked the wrong question. He invited me to ask you “What is nurture?” Answer if you will as I am curious to know.

I can feel the plates of my inner-earth shifting these past few months. I’m not in a place of digging in, but of waiting for the coming changes. I know they are coming. I don’t know what all the changes are. But I know some of them are beautiful. And beauty or not, I shall learn from them all. Some days you wake up on a fault line. I am learning to accept this as life’s truth, and take life on life’s terms.

I am typing in code. Short and long dashes. Heaps of hope and heart. Maybe you speak my language.

I have been reading a couple of books I anticipate sharing more about in future posts: Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth and Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself by Sabrina Ward Harrison. They both have me broken open in new ways I am not ready to write about….yet.

But I’d like to leave you with a quote from Spilling Open, to whet your appetite:

“So much of my growing up has been spent trying to figure out who I am and accept who I am and perhaps even love who I am. Unfortunately I have noticed that I spend a lot of time comparing myself to other young women my age, watching for traits they possess that I feel I lack. It’s very EXHAUSTING.

But I seem to keep comparing and desiring (”needing”) more and wanting less. When do i stop and be Sabrina the way I am? When do I stop and believe that I AM ENOUGH as I am? With all the parts of me that feel ‘too small’ or ‘too lumpy’ or ‘too quiet’ or ‘not edgy’ or ‘too deep feeling’ TOO TOO TOO TOO.

I must ask myself ‘What am I trying to be that I already AM?’

If I don’t love those parts of me (the tucked in, sucked in silent parts…) I think it will be a very SAD journey… and a pathetic waste of time.

‘If you’re not yourself, who will be?”