Deja-vu

Monday, January 11, 2010

I’m having deja-vu. We are on currently on a two-week mid-west/east coast tour. In order to really understand the scope of this entry, you might want to read this one first, if you haven’t already.

Okay, now that we’re all on the same page, allow me to proceed. I’ll get back to the deja-vu part momentarily. The top 10 highlights (and low points) of our tour have gone something like this:

1. Awake at 3:45 am to load up & drive to Indianapolis in time for a gig that night. Despite the 4 hours of sleep, we are troopers and our marriage harmony is in no way threatened by our having to work as a team with sleep-deprivation. Leave OKC at 5 am.

2. As we stroll into Tulsa on the Turnpike, the car starts acting up. Although I am putting on the brakes, the speedometer decides to grow a mind of its own and takes the RPM gauge with it. While we are not moving, the car reads 70 + mph and 6000 RPMs. Because the car seems to be functioning properly other than the gauges on the dash, we gratefully deduce this is an electrical issue and drive on. Thankfully, Samantha, our GPS tells us how fast we’re going, so we’ve used her as our speedometer for the remainder of the trip thus far.

3. Speaking of names, we were encouraged in the midst of the car troubles on Wed. that we needed to bestow a name upon our vehicle. This way when we are white-knuckling our way across the country with no time to spare, we can pat her on the head (read: dash) and say “Come on _____, don’t die on me now.” This topic provided us hours of entertainment on our drive Wednesday. And after much deliberation, we decided that her name is Dottie June, Dottie for short. Dottie is based on an abbreviation since she is our personal Department Of Transportation. And adding the June on the end just sounds southern and cute when I say it.

4. The gig on Wednesday night went great. We met new friends and connected with old ones. I even got my new friend Sylvia to sing along to the Barbie song, which was a real coup. We were grateful to everyone who came out with the pending weather, and especially Rhonda who flew in from Oklahoma City just to go to the show with her family in Indiana! Now that’s a generous friend!

5. We stayed the night with some friends of mine from my Nashville days. Sleep was a welcome activity. On Thursday morning I set my alarm early and moved some furniture in order to get in a workout. My in-laws gave me some Biggest Loser DVD’s for Christmas, and I was proud of myself for getting up after such a long day before. As you know, I am trying to turn over a new leaf on my life as a touring artist who cares about her health. So, putting myself on the list was a victory! With the morning came a significant snowstorm. I think after surviving the Oklahoma City Christmas Blizzard of 2009, we weren’t really scared of the storm. In retrospect, maybe we should have been more mindful. But hindsight is always 20/20. We were scheduled to play a show in West Virginia that night, and the drive was 8 hours. We thought we left in plenty of time, but as soon as we got out on the roads, we learned the error of our ways. Traffic was extremely slow-going and the roads were far less than ideal. Instead of traveling the interstate speed limits, we could only go 40-50 mph. We watched as our arrival time in WV got further and further behind schedule on the GPS. Outside of Dayton, Ohio traffic came to a stand still. We sat in the same spot for an hour and a half. Later the news would tell us that tragically, a tractor-trailer skidded across the median into oncoming traffic, hitting a bus carrying special needs adults- killing 3 of them and their bus driver. So sad. Realizing there was no way for us to make the gig in time, and no reason to stay on the roads considering the danger, we turned across the median and went back to the next exit to regroup. After a look at the atlas, we called one of my best college friends, Whitney, who live in Cincinnati with her husband and twp precious girls. Always the gracious host, she offered us shelter with open arms. Nothing like a couple of unplanned house guests!

6. We were supposed to go from West Virginia to DC to visit for a day or two with our dear friends who moved to Belgium this year. Our change in plans rendered that leg of our trip a no-go. We were really bummed, but it didn’t make sense to get on the roads at that point. I guess that means we’ll definitely have to tour Belgium this year to make up for it!

7. Being at Whitney and Jason’s house was a real treat. We got some much needed rest, and David nursed the cold he woke up with on Thursday morning. On Friday I went for a 5 mile run on Whitney’s treadmill and tacked on part of a Biggest Loser Power Sculpt DVD for good measure. We even got a little work done in the afternoon. It was nice to just be and catch up with old friends, and we had some fantastic pizza from a local place called Marco’s.

8. Friday night after the girls were in bed, we adults were playing Mad Gab in the basement. (Which by the way, David is the Ultimate Mad Gab Master.. it’s kind of freakish how good he is at it.) Jason and I ran upstairs to get some snacks. On my way down, I slipped on the top step and fell all the way down their basement stairs. Certainly not my most graceful moment. I went down on my back the whole way, and it all happened so fast I just couldn’t stop the momentum. Honestly, it was pretty scary. I was shocked at first, and did the checking to make sure all my limbs & parts were still attached in their proper places thing. Although there was significant pain in my back, I quickly determined I still had feeling in my legs (which is ALWAYS a reassuring feature). Other than the back pain and a gash on my left hand that was bleeding, I was okay. Considering the distance I traveled, I think I made out like a bandit. Some serious divine intervention was involved in that, I presume.

9. Due to the stair incident, I am glad to be in motion at all, but have for the time being been rendered unable to work-out. This is a very frustrating turn of events.

10. On Sunday morning, we left Cincinnati and drove to Pittsburgh, PA for a lovely house concert with our friend Brad Yoder and an under-confident local named Mark Williams who should have CD’s out, but he doesn’t. There is a prevalence of folks who grew up in the Mennonite/Amish culture in the area. Although the people we met are not necessarily practicing the same  lifestyle as the homes they were raised in, they carry a spirit about them that is charged with community, simplicity, hospitality, and a love of the earth. I am milling over some of these observations about which I may post at a later date. needless to say, it was a refreshing experience to be among them. This morning I recorded a background vocal part for Brad’s new CD, to be released later this year. I got to sing on 4 songs on the record, and I hope you’ll check it out…. Now we are en route Annapolis, MD for a show tonight and we’re hoping the weather will get WARMER from here!

Here’s a view from my seat through Dottie’s dashboard window:

So the highlight section was longer than I intended, but at least you’re caught up. Now let’s get back to the deja-vu.

Last winter my gallbladder surgery derailed what I felt was forward progress towards my health goals. But as I’ve said before, I was not kind to myself during that time. So in reality, my reaction to my health problems derailed my forward progress towards the even larger & way more important goal of loving and offering kindness to myself. The stair incident this weekend has me feeling some old familiar things. I am impatient with my body and this process. I was so focused on implementing health into this tour and really having a great go of it this time, that my back injury has me spinning a bit.

Historically, I have been an all or nothing kind of girl. And this weekend, I found that my tendency was to just throw in the towel on my health. Part out of frustration, part out of my own lack of kindness towards the process. When one thing goes “wrong” with my perfect little plan, I tend to just give up on the whole deal. Fear of failure is in there somewhere, I know. You’d think that when I am unable to work out, I would be more mindful of my food choices to balance it out. But typically, not so much. I think it’s even worse because there’s a sadness or even grief over my unmet expectation of having a successful trip in terms of workouts. So I want to eat those emotions too.

And the truth is, reality is, that my back is hurt. And I need to be kind to myself and offer myself grace and compassion. I don’t need to be working out while I’m hurt. I need to be kind. I even feel guilty that David has to do all the loading and unloading, and last night I pushed my body to help- the result of which was that my back hurt more. And David isn’t mad or making me feel bad about not helping, he is so sweet and loving, and he wants me to feel better. I just want to believe I have some kind of invincibility that I actually do not possess. Does anyone else out there struggle accepting your own humanness? Living within your own limits? I know I do. But I guess that’s pretty obvious right about now.

I once ran a half marathon on an injured foot and wound up in a cast for 6 weeks. I couldn’t see how my impatience with the short term sacrifice would lead to even worse long term consequences. In the end, as I hobbled into Glen’s (my therapist) office, i remember him saying to me, “I think it’s sad you feel the need to be so hard on yourself, to punish yourself. I want to invite you to be kinder to you.”

So what does all this mean, really? I am not sure, and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers. What I do know, is that today I am going to take it easy, and not push myself. I am not going to wear heels. I am also not going to throw the baby out with bathwater where my food plan is concerned. Just because I am not working out doesn’t mean my tour health goals are a bust. Truth be told, if I let my food plan go by the way-side, I will feel worse about the bigger picture. And I am doing okay food-wise this trip, and that’s a true victory given the stressors we’ve encountered.

How are you doing with all this? Are there ways you are learning to offer yourself compassion? Do you have any great tips on putting yourself on the list? I am always open to learning.