Sunday, January 17, 2010
Growing up I longed to fit in. I just wanted to be “normal”, whatever that means. But I was a fish out of water. I went to a socially cut-throat private school from K-12. My graduating class boasted a whopping 46 students, 23 of whom had been my classmates since kindergarten. Needless to say, we lacked variety. Most of my earliest playmates were the children of my parents’ friends. Not really kids I chose to hang out with, just the ones I was thrown in with by default.
I often say I was a dork in school. And that is still true- I was. I also openly admit to being a dork now. That has not changed either. But in school, I was the girl who was on the fringe of the popular kids. I was invited by familial default, and later excluded by design. I didn’t come into my own until my 20’s, so in my years as an awkward middle and high-schooler, I looked to others to define who I was. I was certain they knew the answer to all my questions about myself. And I wanted “their” stamp of approval and acceptance. Oh the elusive “they.” Some days I wish I had been a complete outsider, and maybe that would have forced me to find my own way sooner. But I know that plight comes with it’s own brand of suffering, too. And the grass is always greener, right?
It’s funny (in a sad funny kind of way) how I still feel the aftershocks of those school years. And they crop up without warning. This weekend, David and I are in Florida at the 30A Songwriters Festival. I didn’t know what to expect because we’ve never been to this festival before. Actually, no one has because this is the first year for the festival. There have been a couple of welcome/kick-off parties for the artists. The festival organizers have really worked to make us feel welcome. We went to a party the other night and I found myself spinning. It was one of those moments where my brain said, “Look around, K.C. Everyone here already knows each other. And you don’t know anyone. What are you going to do, walk up to strangers and try to fit in? Good luck with that.” So I stood frozen (figuratively and literally because the party was outdoors).. but mostly frozen in my fear, which is an awful captor.
And here are two truths I never remember in moments like that party:
1. Everyone is scared. Every single one of us is scared of something, and we’re often scared of each other, and too scared to admit it. What a racket we’ve created for ourselves. We are so good at keeping up appearances, that we fool each other into believing our own bullshit smoke and mirrors act. No one has it all together. And if I could figure out how to cut through my fear and all the mind-numbing small talk at functions like that, I might actually engage in a conversation that reveals we are all very much the same. And I am willing to bet most of those “popular” artists at the party were flying by the seat of their pants, too. Smiling through the fear. Faking it till they made it. Maybe even Sam Bush and Indigo Girls Emily Saliers felt that way. But I was too scared to talk to them, so I don’t know. I might be in the wrong business. No, that’s just crazy talk.
2. The second truth is no less important. I was never meant to fit in at all. I played a show with some lovely ladies in Atlanta this past week: Rebecca Loebe, Alexa Woodward, and Lauren Lapointe. We played in the round, so we were all on stage at once. Rebecca sat next to me, and at one point, I glanced down at her pedal tuner. (A little box on the floor that helps us tune our guitars.. we step on the tuner to make it work, thus it’s a pedal. Okay lesson over..) Rebecca had written on her tuner in Sharpie, and it said “RADIATE!” in a big fun font. So every time she looks down at her pedal to tune her guitar, she has this reminder to stand out, be different, shine. I am not sure what I found so appealing about the status quo, but the reality is I was meant to radiate, not imitate. I guess in some ways I’m afraid of myself. Afraid of all I’m meant to be. Thanks for the reminder, Rebecca. I needed that.
I am going to leave you with this quote, which I first heard in the movie Akeelah and the Bee. I am sucker for a good spelling bee flick.
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
Go on… shine your light bright. You know you want to.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I’m having deja-vu. We are on currently on a two-week mid-west/east coast tour. In order to really understand the scope of this entry, you might want to read this one first, if you haven’t already.
Okay, now that we’re all on the same page, allow me to proceed. I’ll get back to the deja-vu part momentarily. The top 10 highlights (and low points) of our tour have gone something like this:
1. Awake at 3:45 am to load up & drive to Indianapolis in time for a gig that night. Despite the 4 hours of sleep, we are troopers and our marriage harmony is in no way threatened by our having to work as a team with sleep-deprivation. Leave OKC at 5 am.
2. As we stroll into Tulsa on the Turnpike, the car starts acting up. Although I am putting on the brakes, the speedometer decides to grow a mind of its own and takes the RPM gauge with it. While we are not moving, the car reads 70 + mph and 6000 RPMs. Because the car seems to be functioning properly other than the gauges on the dash, we gratefully deduce this is an electrical issue and drive on. Thankfully, Samantha, our GPS tells us how fast we’re going, so we’ve used her as our speedometer for the remainder of the trip thus far.
3. Speaking of names, we were encouraged in the midst of the car troubles on Wed. that we needed to bestow a name upon our vehicle. This way when we are white-knuckling our way across the country with no time to spare, we can pat her on the head (read: dash) and say “Come on _____, don’t die on me now.” This topic provided us hours of entertainment on our drive Wednesday. And after much deliberation, we decided that her name is Dottie June, Dottie for short. Dottie is based on an abbreviation since she is our personal Department Of Transportation. And adding the June on the end just sounds southern and cute when I say it.
4. The gig on Wednesday night went great. We met new friends and connected with old ones. I even got my new friend Sylvia to sing along to the Barbie song, which was a real coup. We were grateful to everyone who came out with the pending weather, and especially Rhonda who flew in from Oklahoma City just to go to the show with her family in Indiana! Now that’s a generous friend!
5. We stayed the night with some friends of mine from my Nashville days. Sleep was a welcome activity. On Thursday morning I set my alarm early and moved some furniture in order to get in a workout. My in-laws gave me some Biggest Loser DVD’s for Christmas, and I was proud of myself for getting up after such a long day before. As you know, I am trying to turn over a new leaf on my life as a touring artist who cares about her health. So, putting myself on the list was a victory! With the morning came a significant snowstorm. I think after surviving the Oklahoma City Christmas Blizzard of 2009, we weren’t really scared of the storm. In retrospect, maybe we should have been more mindful. But hindsight is always 20/20. We were scheduled to play a show in West Virginia that night, and the drive was 8 hours. We thought we left in plenty of time, but as soon as we got out on the roads, we learned the error of our ways. Traffic was extremely slow-going and the roads were far less than ideal. Instead of traveling the interstate speed limits, we could only go 40-50 mph. We watched as our arrival time in WV got further and further behind schedule on the GPS. Outside of Dayton, Ohio traffic came to a stand still. We sat in the same spot for an hour and a half. Later the news would tell us that tragically, a tractor-trailer skidded across the median into oncoming traffic, hitting a bus carrying special needs adults- killing 3 of them and their bus driver. So sad. Realizing there was no way for us to make the gig in time, and no reason to stay on the roads considering the danger, we turned across the median and went back to the next exit to regroup. After a look at the atlas, we called one of my best college friends, Whitney, who live in Cincinnati with her husband and twp precious girls. Always the gracious host, she offered us shelter with open arms. Nothing like a couple of unplanned house guests!
6. We were supposed to go from West Virginia to DC to visit for a day or two with our dear friends who moved to Belgium this year. Our change in plans rendered that leg of our trip a no-go. We were really bummed, but it didn’t make sense to get on the roads at that point. I guess that means we’ll definitely have to tour Belgium this year to make up for it!
7. Being at Whitney and Jason’s house was a real treat. We got some much needed rest, and David nursed the cold he woke up with on Thursday morning. On Friday I went for a 5 mile run on Whitney’s treadmill and tacked on part of a Biggest Loser Power Sculpt DVD for good measure. We even got a little work done in the afternoon. It was nice to just be and catch up with old friends, and we had some fantastic pizza from a local place called Marco’s.
Whitney, my sweet friend from college days at IU.
8. Friday night after the girls were in bed, we adults were playing Mad Gab in the basement. (Which by the way, David is the Ultimate Mad Gab Master.. it’s kind of freakish how good he is at it.) Jason and I ran upstairs to get some snacks. On my way down, I slipped on the top step and fell all the way down their basement stairs. Certainly not my most graceful moment. I went down on my back the whole way, and it all happened so fast I just couldn’t stop the momentum. Honestly, it was pretty scary. I was shocked at first, and did the checking to make sure all my limbs & parts were still attached in their proper places thing. Although there was significant pain in my back, I quickly determined I still had feeling in my legs (which is ALWAYS a reassuring feature). Other than the back pain and a gash on my left hand that was bleeding, I was okay. Considering the distance I traveled, I think I made out like a bandit. Some serious divine intervention was involved in that, I presume.
9. Due to the stair incident, I am glad to be in motion at all, but have for the time being been rendered unable to work-out. This is a very frustrating turn of events.
10. On Sunday morning, we left Cincinnati and drove to Pittsburgh, PA for a lovely house concert with our friend Brad Yoder and an under-confident local named Mark Williams who should have CD’s out, but he doesn’t. There is a prevalence of folks who grew up in the Mennonite/Amish culture in the area. Although the people we met are not necessarily practicing the same lifestyle as the homes they were raised in, they carry a spirit about them that is charged with community, simplicity, hospitality, and a love of the earth. I am milling over some of these observations about which I may post at a later date. needless to say, it was a refreshing experience to be among them. This morning I recorded a background vocal part for Brad’s new CD, to be released later this year. I got to sing on 4 songs on the record, and I hope you’ll check it out…. Now we are en route Annapolis, MD for a show tonight and we’re hoping the weather will get WARMER from here!
Here’s a view from my seat through Dottie’s dashboard window:
So the highlight section was longer than I intended, but at least you’re caught up. Now let’s get back to the deja-vu.
Last winter my gallbladder surgery derailed what I felt was forward progress towards my health goals. But as I’ve said before, I was not kind to myself during that time. So in reality, my reaction to my health problems derailed my forward progress towards the even larger & way more important goal of loving and offering kindness to myself. The stair incident this weekend has me feeling some old familiar things. I am impatient with my body and this process. I was so focused on implementing health into this tour and really having a great go of it this time, that my back injury has me spinning a bit.
Historically, I have been an all or nothing kind of girl. And this weekend, I found that my tendency was to just throw in the towel on my health. Part out of frustration, part out of my own lack of kindness towards the process. When one thing goes “wrong” with my perfect little plan, I tend to just give up on the whole deal. Fear of failure is in there somewhere, I know. You’d think that when I am unable to work out, I would be more mindful of my food choices to balance it out. But typically, not so much. I think it’s even worse because there’s a sadness or even grief over my unmet expectation of having a successful trip in terms of workouts. So I want to eat those emotions too.
And the truth is, reality is, that my back is hurt. And I need to be kind to myself and offer myself grace and compassion. I don’t need to be working out while I’m hurt. I need to be kind. I even feel guilty that David has to do all the loading and unloading, and last night I pushed my body to help- the result of which was that my back hurt more. And David isn’t mad or making me feel bad about not helping, he is so sweet and loving, and he wants me to feel better. I just want to believe I have some kind of invincibility that I actually do not possess. Does anyone else out there struggle accepting your own humanness? Living within your own limits? I know I do. But I guess that’s pretty obvious right about now.
I once ran a half marathon on an injured foot and wound up in a cast for 6 weeks. I couldn’t see how my impatience with the short term sacrifice would lead to even worse long term consequences. In the end, as I hobbled into Glen’s (my therapist) office, i remember him saying to me, “I think it’s sad you feel the need to be so hard on yourself, to punish yourself. I want to invite you to be kinder to you.”
So what does all this mean, really? I am not sure, and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers. What I do know, is that today I am going to take it easy, and not push myself. I am not going to wear heels. I am also not going to throw the baby out with bathwater where my food plan is concerned. Just because I am not working out doesn’t mean my tour health goals are a bust. Truth be told, if I let my food plan go by the way-side, I will feel worse about the bigger picture. And I am doing okay food-wise this trip, and that’s a true victory given the stressors we’ve encountered.
How are you doing with all this? Are there ways you are learning to offer yourself compassion? Do you have any great tips on putting yourself on the list? I am always open to learning.
Friday, January 1, 2010
I am not a big New Year’s resolution maker. I find that, for me, they have proven ineffective.
There was the year that I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on New Year’s Eve in an effort to make myself so nauseous I would never smoke again. Didn’t work. I finally quit cold-turkey on a random Saturday in April of 2002. Years spent making a lot of fruitless promises to God on New Year’s Eve- all the ways I would miraculously change my own character flaws overnight- by my own strength of course. Not so much. I’ve cleaned out closets that eventually fell back into patterns of chaos. I’ve resolved to become better, more perfected in ways that I can’t even begin to number. And somewhere around Jan 21st, or oftentimes much earlier, I awake to the realization that I am still me. Reliably dependable, messed-up-in-the-most-beautiful-and-irritating-of-ways me.
And then there are the diets. You know what I’m talking about. Especially if you are a girl. But guys, I know you’re feeling me too, and I don’t wish to leave you out. What is it about the turning of the annual clock that possesses us to put ourselves through the ringer? I have not met enough people who say, this year, I am going to accept myself like I am. This year, I resolve to love myself.
You know what I love about the life I live now? I started my weight loss journey on a Tuesday in August. There was nothing special about the day or date. It was just time. And I was ready. And every day I either choose to stay on the journey or not. And then I decide again the next day, or hour, or bite. And even when I feel like I’m not on the right journey anymore, I still am. The journey is.
Since I turned over a new leaf on December 1st, I have lost 8 pounds and 10.25 inches. I feel great about that. The holidays were not without their fair share of speed bumps- like the week I gained 4 pounds. Oops. It happens. And I am brave enough to own the choices that led to the gain. I can safely say somewhere in that gain was a stellar sodium-laden meal at Irma’s the night before weigh-in, a cupcake (or two) and some days where I chose to eat my stress instead of taking a walk. I also wore jeans to weigh-in, which I never do, and most of us girls have a week every month where we retain water like a camel. It’s OK. The next week I answered back with a loss of 4.8 pounds.
As far as I’m concerned making it through the holidays while maintaining my weight would have been considered a win. But I feel great that more days were spent loving myself with health than punishing myself with unhealthy food behaviors. That’s progress, not perfection. And I’ll take it.
How are things going for you? Were you kind to you this Christmas? If not, why not? I hope you don’t resolve anything this year but to treat yourself with love and kindness. And if you must set a goal that starts this New Year off, take it in baby steps.. maybe set a goal for today, not for all of 2010. I didn’t set out to lose 100 pounds, I just wanted to get out and run. The worst kind of goals are the ones that set you up to fail before you even have a chance to get started. I find what works best for me is to break my big goals down into bite-size pieces. And don’t be afraid to write down your small goal for today- a goal without a deadline is just a wish.
I hope this year brings each of you health and happiness.
Peace.
