Where Turned Leaves Go

Friday, December 4, 2009

Starting over. I have an issue with that phrase. I think it doesn’t do justice to the process of life and learning. But I am not sure what other phrase to use. I’ve been known to say, “I’m hitting the reset button,” but again, that statement kind of cheats me. I don’t want a blank slate, not even really a do-over. I want nothing to do with the implied negation of everything that has come before. Because that seems a little harsh, and I am hoping to be kinder to myself these days. I’d like to identify myself with a process of grace, of kindness and compassion to who I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going. With all of that in mind, I’ve decided to say “I am turning over a new leaf.” If my research is correct, that phrase is derived from the literal turning of a page (or leaf) in a book. It is not like I’m going to burn the chapters that came before. On the contrary, those chapters are essential, necessary elements of the ongoing story. And I love a good story. I am taking what I’ve learned so far and turning over to the next page, to see what comes next. Oh, the ever-unfolding story of life.

Most of you reading probably know that a year or so ago I lost over 100 pounds. Although I see my weight loss journey on a much longer continuum, for my purposes in this post, I’ll mark August 2007 as a significant crossroads. That’s when I started losing weight. But years of emotional growth preceded that crossroads. I turned over a new leaf and began to be intentional about getting physically healthy, but I couldn’t have done that without all the chapters that came before. So it wasn’t like I started over. A year to the day I started, I was 102 pounds lighter. August 2007-August 2008 was a remarkable, transformative year, in more ways than just physically. The learning curve was steep, and I was constantly regaining my footing to adjust to the rapid changes in my body, mind and emotions. As a matter of fact, I still feel like I am trying to catch up emotionally to the new version of me.

But in order to bring you into the now with me, I need to review the last few pages of the story for you. Get you caught up. I value authenticity, and I want to live in the truth of today. So here’s the rest of the story…

For most of the year of my initial weight loss, I worked a desk job. Very predictable hours. I brought my lunch every day. Since I sat at a computer all day, I tracked my food online at http://www.weightwatchers.com. I worked out in the morning or sometimes at my lunch hour. I was training for a half marathon, and my life generally possessed a consistent flow.

In the late spring/early summer of 2008, I lost my day-job. A true blessing in disguise, I was handed the gift of a chance to pursue my music dream full-time. We adopted the motto, “Leap and the net will appear” and to this day, it has. Jumping into full-time touring was a huge risk, but it was one we had to take. By the end of the summer, David had left his day-job too, and we hit the road together. We are living our dream to this day.

But with the dream of touring came a whole new pace of life I was not used to. Incorporating my food and exercise plan into a life of constant travel has proven to be a formidable challenge. Some tours have been more successful than others in this regard. By no means do I feel that I have mastered the task of taking care of my health while on the road. My therapist and I have spoken at length of the why behind my food behaviors and how I crave nurture. Food is a false nurture, but sometimes you just take what you can get. When your sick on tour in the cold rain of Philadelphia and you haven’t been home for a few weeks, sometimes a milkshake can masquerade as comfort. Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a milkshake. I am not into deprivation and restriction anymore. My food plan is not about punishment. But a milkshake cannot be part of every day eating for me. It’s not what’s best, what’s loving and kind to me in the long run. A fellow Weight Watcher’s member taught me the phrase, “Never ask a cookie to do more than a cookie can do.” And that’s so true.

Right after 2008 turned into 2009, the swell of activity surrounding the Biggest Loser segment commenced. For all intents and purposes, from New Year’s Day onward was a whirlwind. I was kind of a mess. And I thought my head might spin off axis, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other. On Jan 22 I landed in the ER with a gallbladder attack- my first ever. I have never known pain of that nature. Yowza, that was intense. As a side note, apparently 25% of women who have significant weight loss end up having their gall bladders removed. Who knew, right? The news came that uninsured me needed to have surgery, and quickly. Honestly,  I treated the whole having an organ removed thing like a blip on the radar. In my mind, I didn’t have time to think about it. I scheduled the surgery asap, and 4 days after surgery I was in Kansas City performing for 2 nights, incisions, painkillers and all. A week after my surgery, The Biggest Loser returned to Oklahoma City for the second time to film a segment about me and my music. If you watch the segment video, I’m doing abs on a ball. The whole time I was wincing in pain from the incisions in my belly feeling like they were ripping apart at the seams. Two days later, David and I left for the east coast on tour for a month.

My body did not respond well to my lack of compassion. My digestive system staged full-on, inconveniently-timed rebellion strikes against me. I didn’t know what to eat or what not to eat to be safe. On top of my gall bladder removal side effects, I got sick with sinus infections twice on tour- the first week and the last week. I had 4 rounds of antibiotics in 7 weeks. I was ragged, in my body and my spirit. The tour ended with a bang on March 10th with the airing of my segment on the Biggest Loser and two television interviews in Indianapolis. In an effort to make it from Boston to Indy on time for the news broadcast, we slept for 4 hours in the car in a Love’s parking lot somewhere in Pennsylvania the night before. I didn’t even leave myself time to shower before being interviewed on TV.

Three days after returning home from tour we went into the studio to begin recording my new CD, “Orchid.” If you’ve never been through a creative process like making an album, just trust me when I say the emotional, mental and physical outlay is tremendous. We worked almost everyday for a month. The studio is creative childbirth- all those sounds and energy and ideas pushing their way to the surface, and formulating and growing and changing all the while. It’s beautiful and intense. It’s exhausting and exhilarating.

I emerged in late April and early May a fraction of myself. With the looming hospital bills we didn’t have the means to pay and business debts related to the marketing push around Biggest Loser, I was pretty strung out on stress. I was irritable and exhausted. I couldn’t stop crying and I wanted to sleep all the time. I was really out of touch with my heart. In mid-May, my therapist suggested that I was suffering from a pretty intense bout of depression. This information came not as a surprise, but a relief. I felt so out of control, and I just kept trying to whip myself into shape. Suck it up, walk it off, get over it, snap out of it. But I couldn’t.

I have a history of depression, I’m not ashamed of this and neither should you be if you battle it. It’s chemistry. I first started struggling in middle school. I was medicated for it in my early twenties. Eventually, under Dr.’s care, I came off my meds and learned how to manage my depression without them. Until this year. I learned that as one who is prone to depression, an event like my gallbladder surgery can set me off. The phrase Glen, my therapist, used was this: “The body doesn’t know the difference between a surgeon’s knife and gunshot wound. Trauma in the body is trauma in the body.” A traumatic physical event like surgery can trigger a depression in anyone, especially if their already living with depression as their baseline. Add to the surgery a tour, more illness, the outlay of a new CD and some national TV exposure and Wham! You have yourself a nice bout of depression. He thought I might resist going back on meds, but to his surprise, I happily deferred to his suggestion. I knew he was right, and I felt so grateful to have someone looking out for me. My response to him was, “I’m all about solutions, Glen.” Truer words have never been uttered about me.

I wish I could tell you that 3-5 weeks later I felt better, but that was not the case. The first drug they put me on was not effective, and actually caused my depression to severely worsen. Suffice it to say, June and early July brought some very dark days for me. It turns out, the medicine was not indicated for lethargic depression, and had a negative effect. I did not need to come down anymore. Once they realized what was wrong, I was switched to Prozac, my old friend. I am fairly certain God himself invented Prozac.

I would have to wait until mid-August to really start feeling better. It was a long, hard summer. I’d be just fine if I never saw those days again. I don’t know what I would have done without David, Glen, and a few dear friends. I believe we were all created to need one another. Don’t suffer alone.

I felt like I had been given a new lease on life. You don’t know how much of yourself you lose until you find her again. I awoke to fall, and a new chance.  I was so grateful the pages were turning.

But I also awoke 30 pounds heavier. When I look at the sum of the parts that this past year was made of, I think gaining only 30 pounds is actually pretty impressive. I have in the past gained far more in shorter periods of time. I am working on not being ashamed of myself. And writing this post today is part of that process for me. I started my weight loss journey with one thing in mind: I wanted to learn how to love myself from the inside out. And through that to learn about healthy living. The process was never about punishment. I committed to not punish myself to lose weight, and I refuse to punish myself upon gaining weight. My purpose remains clear.

I am not, however, prepared to coast at this weight any longer. I feel like I am ready to turn over a new leaf. I want to take everything I have learned, every gain and loss inside and out- and equipped with that knowledge I want to live today full of love for myself. I deserve to keep pressing on towards the goal I’ve been called to. All is not lost! The rewards of this year are many! And I am pushing back the resistance and turning the page.

What does all this mean? As the leaf is turning over, I have rededicated myself to the process of health. And I’d love for you to take the journey alongside me- as a reader, a cheerleader or a participant. Or all of those. I am now working out again consistently, 5-6 days a week. And I have brought my food plan back into check. I’m striving for one dessert a week (they are my BIG weakness), and I’m increasing my protein intake to help build muscle that can burn fat.

My first few days have been a success. I lost 3.6 pounds at my weigh-in this week. Don’t be fooled, this process is not at all about the numbers. Improved numbers are a fringe benefit to loving myself in a healthy way. I am however going to be divulging my numbers here, as a way to stay honest and accountable. As of this week, I have 26.4 pounds to lose to get back to my lowest point, and 45 pounds total to reach my ultimate goal weight, which is determined by my doctors and my healthy BMI.

It’s a humbling thing to know that I have been an inspiration to others in my weight loss journey. But I find perfection can be discouraging, and I want to be honest about who I am. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever written and I’m terrified to put my weakness out there. I do not by any stretch of anyone’s imagination have things all figured out. I am just a girl, albeit a hopeful one, a courageous one who dares to live my life out loud. But at the end of the day, I’m just a human being like you. And I am nowhere near perfect.

I am so proud of myself for how far I’ve come, and I’m proud of each one of you who have started a journey to loving yourself as well. No matter where you are in your journey, I want you to know that you can do this. And like I always say, “A year from now you will wish you started today.” Don’t wait to put yourself on the list. You’re worth it.